Once upon a time I thought for children to be well behaved they had to act like robots—always respectful, perfectly behaved, and obedient without question. I formed this expectation that receiving love and praise was contingent on following strict rules. When parenthood shifted my expectations, I realized that these rigid standards not only failed to account for a child’s individuality but also left little room for mistakes, learning, or growth.
When Parenthood Shifted My Expectations: Unrealistic Expectations
Expectations and boundaries are often shaped by what we’ve known. Parenthood has shown me how limited my understanding was and that “one size fits all” does not pertain to kids. When my son was moved from a special education setting to a general classroom in first grade, this is when parenthood shifted my expectations. What was first seen as a transition period quickly turned into behaviors labeled “disruptive.” I saw a change in him, due to never being heard and misunderstood. His struggle wasn’t about rebellion, it was about fitting into a mold that wasn’t meant for him. I learned that unrealistic expectations can leave a child feeling as though nothing they do is ever quite enough.
Psalm 127:3 “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.”
Unruly Behavior Is a Symptom, Not a Definition
For a long time, I clashed with my son over what I called “unruly” behavior. I thought of it as pure disobedience, a challenge to my authority. Over time, however, I discovered that this behavior was actually a sign, a signal that something deeper was going on. Instead of labeling my child as “out of control,” I now see these behaviors as symptoms that call for understanding and a compassionate response. Behind every outburst or defiant act is often a story of unmet needs or overwhelming feelings.
James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”
Establishing Compassionate Boundaries
Boundaries are essential—they tell children what is and isn’t tolerated. However, they must reflect reality and not be set in stone just because that’s how we were taught. When parenthood shifted my expectations, I was able to redefine the boundaries in my home. I found that when boundaries are both simple and consistent, they become tools for empowerment rather than restrictions.
- Start Simple: Keep rules clear and straightforward so your child can easily understand them. Consider keeping a journal to map out behaviors—both successes and areas that need a bit more work.
- Be Creative: Give children something to look forward to, a set in stone a activity once a week. This gives them incentive to comply then “because you said so”.
- Consistency Matters: Repetition develops comfort and reliability. With each consistent boundary, your child begins to understand that expectations are not arbitrary but a part of daily life that helps them grow.
Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Redefining “Talking Back”
Often, the term “talking back” is used to silence a child’s need to express themselves. Instead of dismissing a child’s explanation as disrespect, I now encourage a dialogue:
- Allow Explanation: Let your child explain their actions. Listening first creates an atmosphere of mutual understanding. Once you’ve heard them out, gently share your perspective.
- Create a Safe Space: When emotions run high, give your child a designated calm-down spot. This isn’t a punishment—it’s a time to regroup and learn how to express feelings without frustration.
Colossians 3:13 “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Practical Adjustments: Learning Through Daily Moments
Every family finds its rhythm gradually. In our home, I’ve learned to adapt expectations to my son’s needs:
- Flexible Routines: He no longer must finish every bite on his plate. Leftovers are saved rather than forcing him into a rigid mealtime expectation.
- Playtime:Outings are planned with clear yet compassionate expectations. Whether it’s setting a timer for extra play or providing a 5- to 10-minute countdown when overstimulated, these strategies help him navigate—and ultimately own—his emotions.
- Emotional Navigation: When I sense that my son is overwhelmed, I take a moment to share what I observe and offer him a chance to cool down. Although his responses vary—sometimes anger, sometimes tears, sometimes warm hugs—each moment is a step toward him learning to navigate his emotions.
Philippians 4:19 “And my God will meet every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”
Celebrating the Victories
As your child progresses, no matter how small the win, celebrate it. When parenthood shifted my expectations, I recognized the progress made when I found a new way to connect, when communication bridges a gap, or when my child started showing breakthroughs in managing their feelings. While the work never truly ends, each victory validates the journey and reinforces that every child has the potential to flourish when met with understanding.
Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”
Today’s Heartfelt Reflection
When parenthood shifted my expectations, it did not only transform how I parent but also how I navigate my child’s unique journey. Parenting becomes less about enforcing an outdated expectations and more about growing together—recognizing that every setback carries lessons and every success paves the way for further growth. I hope that by sharing my story, fellow parents will feel empowered to challenge old paradigms, nurture a supportive environment, and embrace the ever-changing adventure of parenting with compassion. Remember, no other parent can parent your child like you can—your unique perspective is a gift that shapes both your child’s future and your own journey.
“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24-26
Leave a Reply